Monk >> sunday october 8 - 05:46

Thank you and welcome to another edition of 'When did that last happen?' and today we have to start by congratulating Seaburn Beach on yet another title. When did that last happen? Well, that's a nice day one to start isn't it? Season 70 last saw Stephen's yellow and green army lift the prized league trophy. 

Commiserations to Newcastle. They claimed  101 points, but failed to take the trophy. They are only the second club ever to have got 100 or more points in a season and not win it. When did that last happen? Well you have to go all the way back to season 63 when Jaypridee came second with exactly the same total, losing out of course to another Seaburn team.

Things aren't so rosy in the garden for English football though. This season, not one single team qualified for the quarter finals of a European trophy. When did that last happen? Well, we aren't sure but we don't think that's ever happened before. Our researchers are still checking that one out. Any master minds at home who know then please tell us, when was the last time that happened? 

Seaburn went out of the European champions league in the last sixteen conceding three goals in a game. Wow. Seaburn concede three! When was the last time that happened? We aren't sure but we are desperately trying to contact Seaburn manager Stephen, who hopefully can let us know.

But Seaburn didn't stop with the league. They also won the cup they last lifted in season 73. When did they last do the coveted double? Well that was back in season 69. That season bought a lot of pleasure to so many fans in so many different ways. 

You have to feel a scrap of sympathy for cup finalists the Scammonden Daoists and their ageing dictator The Abbot. They now have no less than 7 cup final defeats to go with their two league title runners up placings. That makes them the most successful unsuccessful club in English history, but not the biggest. That's our question for the week. We judge a club's size by its footballing popularity, so who are the top ten English clubs never to have won either the league or the cup? It's a tricky one; answers on a postcard to the normal address or simply enter your answers below. The winner gets an all expenses paid trip out to an English league game of their choice. And no peeking at the popularity charts!

Till next week, enjoy the transfer window and always ask yourself, 'When was the last time that happened?'

Dragontao >> sunday october 8 - 09:31, Edited sunday october 8 - 09:32

"...so who are the top ten English clubs never to have won either the league or the cup?"

Well, I can name one :(

Monk >> sunday october 8 - 12:59

1

2

3 Bolt on Wonder Bras

Dragontao >> sunday october 8 - 13:09

Cloughie's team have been around a while, so may be Robbing Hoodies? Though they have at least won the u21 cup if I recall.

Monk >> sunday october 8 - 15:23

1

2

3 Bolt on Wonder Bras

4

5

6 Robbing Hoodies

Numpty >> sunday october 8 - 16:23

Nice post @Monk. I hope this will be a regular feature. 

I'm not at all convinced that popularity should be how we judge a club's size. But based on that definition then my club must be near the top of your list despite having never been in the top flight. And from memory Birmingham Hunter are in the top 10 for popularity and I doubt if they've ever won anything either.  Yours must also be somewhere on the list.

Monk >> sunday october 8 - 20:51

1 Heath Hornets

3 Bolt on Wonder Bras

4 Birmingham Hunter

6 Robbing Hoodies

11 Scammonden Daoists

I do agree though Numpy, I'm not sure popularity is much of a guide to chances of success.

Numpty >> sunday october 8 - 20:58

So we're top of the list then? Must be the first thing we've ever won, lol. :D 

Monk >> tuesday october 10 - 04:58

1 Heath Hornets

2 Fuchsia 

3 Bolt on Wonder Bras

4 Birmingham Hunter

5 Forever We Are Wolves

6 Robbing Hoodies

7 We Lost

8 Canvey Pixels

9Tottenham Hotspur

10 Heavens Light

11Scammonden Daoists

In truth there is only a few million between top and11th. I think the most important thing to note here is that once we get to a certain popularity that is enough to fill a level 11 stadium, then popularity becomes irrelevant. Getting stadium 11 is the tricky bit. After that you can just play the game how you want. Good luck in the transfer market all.

Numpty >> tuesday october 10 - 09:28, Edited tuesday october 10 - 09:34

I think leading the popularity rankings was much more important years ago at the start of the game when the richest clubs could dominate.

As you say it's now much easier to fill the stadium, especially if you're in the top flight. To put some numbers to it you need roughly the following popularity to fill Stadium 11 (caveats apply). 

• League matches vs bigger teams (> 115%) 4.8 million  
• League matches vs similar teams (40% - 115%) 7.1 million
• League matches vs bots (< 40%) 8.9 million 
• Cup matches vs bots (< 40%) 12.1 million

So for teams in the top flight then having a little under 5 million is enough for most of your league matches. But you need roughly 9 million to be self sufficient if you're playing in a lower league. More is always better though even if it's to maximise income from cup and continental matches. (And even more would be necessary if you want to remove all the caveats such as stadium staff, attendance bonus and selling tickets.)

Monk >> tuesday october 10 - 10:59

Noooooo. I came in for training this morning and there's no Frank! Apparently the Abbot has sold him after some french club put a bid in for him. He's now gone to Iceland to play his football. 'But he was good for morale!' I wailed to the Abbot. Apparently he hasn't forgiven him for conceding three against Canvey Pixels. Good luck Frank, nobody served the half time orange slices like you did!

Lee >> tuesday october 10 - 21:17

AN OPEN LETTER TO MONK

Although the Canvey Pixels would normally be proud to be included in any Top 10 list, as the acting/pretend lawyer for the club I do have to dispute the factual integrity of said list, as the history books show the Pixels winning the prestigious Kezza Commemoration Cup in season 61 (some 'experts' believe this silverware is harder to win than the European cup).

It's possible this error was simply an oversight on your part but the damage has already been done, so it's only fair to insist on a grovelling apology and financial restitution of RSD100M.

Matt Turner >> tuesday october 10 - 21:43

I'm surprised I made that list as I didn't think I'd been around that long! There seems to be a few yo-yo clubs that have been around forever, so I'd have put them above me! I cant see me winning any silverware soon, unless there's a freak draw along with some severe injury crisis within other clubs! 

Dragontao >> wednesday october 11 - 15:58

Blimey, my useless lot can't even win the MUTS (most unsuccessful top side) trophy. :(

Numpty >> wednesday october 11 - 17:09, Edited wednesday october 11 - 17:48

There's a rival, which is a competition to build the biggest museum which is entirely empty. 

The Biggest Useless Museum is also known as the BUM trophy. 

1. Aylesbury United 155
2. Sunderland Thugs! 154
3. Shining Force 145
4. Forever We Are Wolves 141
5. We Lost 141
6. Heath Hornets 139
7. Arsenal Football Club ™ 117
8. Invincibles City 105
9. Scammonden Daoists 99
10. Robbing Hoodies 93

It seems that the Wonderbras have got spanked there too.